The energy comes in here, runs through the motor, then, and this is the clever bit, it goes back into the input, creating an endless cycle.”
Archie Steadman sighed.
“This isn’t free energy.” he said. “You’re using more energy than you put in.”
The man’s face reddened angrily.
“You’re talking bloody nonsense!” he shouted.
“He’s not talking nonsense.” said Derek Flemming, brandishing a clipboard. “Look, I’ll draw you a diagram if you want.”
“I knew it.” said the man. “You’re nothing but shills for Big Oil. I am so sick of you people.”
He was shouting, and appeared more than slightly unhinged.
“I think it’s time for us to go to our next pressing engagement.” said Archie quietly to Derek.
“Sure, let’s go.” he said.
They left the garage of the little suburban semi with the man’s raving ringing in their ears.
“Well, that was an unqualified success.” said Archie sarcastically.
“Don’t worry.” said Derek. “This is going to get us serious clicks.”
They got into their car (an ageing Alpha Romeo that broke down constantly), which was owned by Archie but typically driven by Derek.
“I’m tired of meeting these lunatics.” said Archie as Derek put the car into gear with an alarming crunch. “I’m starting to think there’s not a one of them that’s actually sane.”
“What about that bloke with the perpetual motion wheel thingy?” said Derek. “He was nice.”
“Lovely old fellow.” Archie agreed. “Just completely off his rocker.”
“His machine was quite a sight.”
“Fantastic machine.” said Archie. “All I’m saying is —”
“I think we did him a real service, bringing his work to light. Have you seen the comments? They’re nearly all highly positive. A thing like that takes real skill.”
“Sure, but —”
“Years of experience went into crafting that.” said Derek.
“It’s just absolutely not outside the laws of science though, is it? It’s completely within the normal laws of science. We started this project to try to identify unexplained phenomena, not to highlight Britain’s most egregious fruitcakes.”
“Mr. Ableman was absolutely charming.” said Derek. “A real old gent. They don’t make them like that anymore. I don’t agree that he was crackers.”
“I’m not saying he wasn’t absolutely charming.” said Archie, becoming increasingly worked up. “He was incredibly charming. He was highly skilled. He was a craftsman of the highest calibre. He was also completely lacking in the kind of scientific knowledge that might have allowed him to understand that his contraption was functioning entirely within the laws established by Newton in 1687.”
“Newton really borrowed a lot from Galileo.” said Derek mildly.
“Oh, let’s not start that again.” said Archie. “Anyway, what’s the next one?”
“Bloke in Haltwhiste.” said Derek. “Near Hadrian’s Wall. He thinks he’s discovered a way to extract free electricity from the aether.”
“Dear God.” said Archie, rubbing his face with his hands.
For several minutes they drove on in silence. Then Derek said, “Listen, Archie. I know you want to really discover something new. Something amazing. So do I. Believe me, mate, I really do. That’s why we started the website and the video channel. I haven’t forgotten that. But meanwhile, this happens to be paying our bills, and better than either of us really expected. To me, that’s not nothing. That’s something. It’s ten times more enjoyable than what either of us were doing before. I’m grateful for every single one of these nutcases, no matter how insane. In fact, in some ways, the more insane, the better.”
Archie exhaled noisily.
“Yeah.” he said. “You’re right. I know you’re right.”
After two hours they pulled up outside a house of sandy-coloured bricks in a small confusing modern estate.
“Can you tell me something, Derek?” said Archie.
“What?” said Derek.
“Why do they always live in houses that looks like this?”
“Don’t be a snob. It’s a perfectly acceptable house.”
“I grew up in a house like this. I’d be perfectly content to never see one again. Houses like this ruined Britain.”
“Better than growing up in a high-rise or a slum.”
“I’d prefer a slum. Actually, slums have a certain charm.”
“Let’s go in and see what this one’s got for us.”
A man in late middle-age with a greying combover greeted them at the door.
“Come in, come in.” he said. “I’m Roger. This is my wife, Lucy.”
Lucy, who was standing just inside as if waiting for them, smiled pleasantly.
“Can I get you anything?” said Roger. “Tea? Coffee? Glass of malt?”
“We’re fine, thank you.” said Archie. “We’re very interested in seeing your invention.”
“Yes, of course.” said Roger, rubbing his hands together. “Of course. Men of business. I get it. Let’s go to the garage then. Warp speed!”
The walls of the garage were festooned with Star Trek figurines, below which were benches filled with instruments: oscilloscopes, multimeters, soldering irons, and innumerable electronic items in various states of dissection.
In the centre stood a table, upon which was mounted an electric motor. Underneath the table was a large wooden box, from which wires trailed upwards to the motor.
“This is the beast.” said Roger, waving at the table. “It uses something I call magneto-aetheric transduction to pull zero-point energy from the aether. Actually Tesla worked out the basic principles. I’m only following in his footsteps.”
“Wonderful.” said Archie pleasantly.
“Can you demonstrate it for us?” said Derek.
“Certainly can.” said Roger, and he reached under the table and pressed a switch. The motor roared into life, driving a belt which was attached to a fan.
“So what’s happening now,” said Roger, “is the aetheric transducer is literally pulling zero-point energy out of the aether and driving the motor, which drives this fan. Put your hand here—you can feel the force of the draught it generates.”
They dutifully felt the air from the fan.
“Pretty impressive, eh?” said Roger. “A lot of people know about this technology but the oil companies suppress it. Governments are all colluding with them. Totally corrupt. But now, with your help, we can finally tell people about it.”
“Can we look inside the box?” said Archie, shouting to make himself heard above the noise of the motor.
“That’s proprietary.” said Roger.
“We’re happy to sign non-disclosures.” said Derek.
“Sorry, no can do.” said Roger. “The secret of how the transducer works is worth billions. Have you got billions?”
“No.” said Archie.
“You two can help me get the proper investment I need to develop it into a full power plant.” said Roger. “We’re going to need security too. Pretty heavy security. Ex-military, if possible.”
“We can’t properly report on it unless we can see what’s in the box.” said Archie.
“I’ve demonstrated it to you. You can see it works. Once we’re up and running with investors, then eventually I’ll be able to show you inside the box.”
“How do we know—sorry, could we switch it off?” said Derek.
Roger reached under the table and switched the motor off.
“How do we know there’s not a battery in there?”
“You’ll have to take my word for it at the moment.” said Roger. “I’m a man of honour. If you like I can sign a statement to the effect that it generates its own power from the aether.”
“See, this is a sticking point for us.” said Archie. “We really need to be able to analyse how it works.”
“But you can see it does work.” said Roger, switching the motor on again. “Look at how much power that fan’s putting out.”
At that moment the light in the garage went out, plunging them into semi-darkness, and the motor rapidly stopped.
“Bloody power’s gone out again.” said Roger. “The aetheric transducer builds up so much latent energy, it interferes with the grid. I’ll switch the circuit breaker back on.”
He dashed out of the garage via a side-door.
“Another category A.” said Archie. “I’m really sick of the category A’s. Let’s get out of here.”
“Hang on a minute,” said Derek, “It’s good for a video at least.”
“Stuff the lot of them.” said Archie, and he followed Roger out of the side door.
“We’ve got everything we need, thank you so much.” he said to Roger. “We’re leaving now.”
“So you’ll help me with finding investors?” said Roger.
“We’ll be in touch.” said Archie, walking out into the hallway at the front as Derek reluctantly followed him.
“Completely wasted day.” said Archie, as they pulled away.
“There is one more option but it’s a long shot.” said Derek.
“What were those, dead certs?” said Archie.
“You know, you don’t have to be so relentlessly sarcastic all the time, mate.” said Derek.
“Sorry. It’s been a long day. What’s your long shot?”
“Some bloke out on the moors, Whitby way. About two hours from here. Two and a half, tops.”
“My back’s killing me.”
“It’s sort of on the way home.”
“Well have you contacted him or what?”
“I did. He said we can just drop by whenever. We’re to call him an hour beforehand.”
“Odd.” said Archie.
“He sounds like a complete weirdo. That’s why I’m in two minds about it.”
“Weirdo like entertainingly eccentric, or weirdo like possibly dangerous?”
“Not completely sure.”
“Might as well give it a go I suppose. As things are we’ve really got nothing.”
They drove for two hours, stopping on the way for snacks and coffee at a service station, and confirming their arrival by phone. Eventually they found themselves taking a winding road that led onto a desolate moor.
“He can’t be out here.” said Archie. “We’ve messed it up somehow.”
“He is out here, seriously.” said Derek. “I double-checked. We need to turn off up a farm track in a couple of miles.”
Sure enough, eventually they found themselves approaching a building.
“He lives in that thing?” said Archie. “That’s the ugliest house I’ve ever seen in my life.”
“Apparently.” said Derek.
“It’s absolutely monstrous. These brutalist architects need taking out and shooting.”
The house resembled a rectangular box of black metal, standing on stilts.
“Maybe he designed it himself.” said Derek.
They parked outside in a small paved area, next to a tiny electric car that was already parked there.
“Smell that fresh air.” said Derek, when they exited the vehicle.
“Nothing else around for miles.” said Archie.
All they could see, in all directions, was moorland and sweeping gentle hills.
“Do come in.” shouted a voice.
They turned to see a man standing at the top of a flight of metal steps leading into the house.
He was middle-aged, bearded, with round spectacles and greying hair.
When they reached the top of the steps he introduced himself as Dr. Kenneth Freeland, and invited them to call him “Ken”. He offered them coffee, which they politely declined and then led them straight through to what he called “the laboratory area”.
“We were wondering if you designed this house yourself.” said Archie.
“Oh, yes, I most certainly did. I know it’s not very visually appealing but it’s practical, as far as my purposes go. There are very particular reasons behind all aspects of its construction.”
“And you live here alone?” asked Derek.
“I should like to explain something of the basic principles of my work.” said Ken, apparently not hearing Derek’s question. “Follow me, if you will.”
He strode off down a corridor.
“This actually looks not unpromising.” said Derek quietly.
“Let’s see what his explanation’s like.” said Archie. “My money’s on him going on about luminiferous aether. They’re all obsessed with luminiferous aether.”
Ken led them into a small room festooned with diagrams and invited them to sit at a table.
“My presentation will only take half an hour or so.” he said, smiling warmly. “Then I’ll show you my practical work.”
“We’re all ears.” said Archie, pulling out a chair and sitting down.
“What I’m about to tell you will seem outlandish, but I will ask you to bear in mind certain fundamental axioms.” said Ken. “Ultimately, the proof of the pudding is in the eating, and you’ll see, when I demonstrate my inventions, that my theory works.
“The most important principle to understand is that science is not about the material. This is a confusion of small minds. This is why there has been no real fundamental progress in physics since the second world war. No, science is about experiment.
“The materialists rejected Newton’s laws because his invisible force, gravity, was not material. Later they said: ‘OK; these experiments produce repeatable outcomes so we have to accept it’. Now they try to convince themselves that gravity is material, so that they can remain materialists. They refuse to accept that experimental outcomes are the foundation of science, not materialism.
“I have rebuilt the whole of physics on this principle. I have created a physics that no longer tries to dismiss the very thing that is the most central to us; our own awareness. I have built a physics in which there are no material objective facts; only intersubjective facts. A physics that acknowledges the role that the mind plays in creating what we call the material universe.
“In doing so, I solved the biggest outstanding mystery in physics.”
“Dark matter?” asked Derek.
“No.” said Ken with an indulgent smile.
“Quantum gravity?” said Archie.
Ken burst out laughing.
“Forgive me.” he said, and he went to a bookshelf and pulled down a large book from a set.
He opened it and flicked through it, selecting a page, then threw the book down in front of Archie and Derek.
“Arthur Mee’s Children’s Encyclopaedia.” he said. “What does it say, in there, is the biggest unsolved mystery in physics?”
Archie scanned the page.
“Gravity.” he said.
“Gravity!” said Ken. “Thank you. We have unified all the forces except gravity. You cannot turn on an electrical device and generate gravity. Why not? In 1910 this was acknowledged to be the biggest puzzle in physics. It is still the biggest puzzle, yet after the second great war, scientists stopped talking about it. They couldn’t face their own failure.”
“Could you say a little about how your own theory solves this puzzle?” asked Archie.
“I certainly can.” said Ken.
Ken proceeded to launch into a detailed explanation of his theory. It involved a complete reconfiguration of existing physics, building upon a framework that rested on a handful of axioms.
When he’d finished, he excused himself for a minute, saying he needed to check something.
“Complete whacko.” said Derek.
“What?” said Archie. “No, it’s plausible. It’s very plausible. I’d need to go over it very slowly, but I didn’t spot anything there that didn’t follow from his axioms, and his axioms are actually quite tenable.”
“Seriously?” said Derek.
“I’m dead serious.” said Archie. “Anyway, it’s like he said, the proof of the pudding is in the eating. Let’s see what he’s got for us.”
“At least he doesn’t seem like a category A.” said Derek.
“Not in the least. If anything, there’s too much explanation.”
Ken returned.
“Everything’s ready.” he said. “Come this way, gentlemen, if you please.”
He led them into a large windowless room in the middle of the house, which clearly functioned as a laboratory. In the middle of the room was a table, upon which sat some scientific apparatus.
“Here we have an experimental setup similar to the one I’ve just described.” he said. “You will see that when I supply it with power, these weights will float above it.”
He indicated a collection of metal weights of various sizes, ranging up to half a kilogram.
He flicked a series of switches and the apparatus began to whir noisily.
“You’ll also feel an air current.” he said, raising his voice above the noise. “You see, the air above the machine will in effect become lighter than the surrounding air and it’ll flow upwards. New air will rush in from the sides. This creates quite a breeze. If you look upwards you’ll see I’ve placed a collar on the ceiling to prevent the weights moving off to the sides. Without that they’re prone to falling out of the antigravity column and crashing down in unexpected places, and we wouldn’t want that.”
He proceeded to demonstrate the device using the weights. The weights he placed above the device promptly made their way up to the ceiling, as did a pen, a little box of mints Derek found in his pocket, and a glass paper weight. The only things Ken wouldn’t allow them to try were things containing liquid, which he said would make a mess.
“Is it safe to put my hand above the machine?” Archie asked.
“Absolutely.” said Ken.
Archie placed his hand into the invisible column of antigravity.
“I can feel it.” he said. “What an extraordinary sensation. Have a go, Derek.”
Derek tried the experiment also and confirmed the effect.
“There’s nothing here you’re not absolutely welcome to inspect.” said Ken. “There are no smoke or mirrors, so to speak.”
“You’re remarkably candid, Ken.” said Derek. “Most amateur inventors are frankly a little cagey. They’re worried about having their work stolen.”
“I have no fear of that.” said Ken with a warm smile. “But tell me, do you agree that I have indeed discovered how to create antigravity?”
“Obviously we’ve further checks to make,” said Derek, “but this is by far the most convincing demonstration of anything purported to violate known laws of physics that I’ve ever seen.”
“Well, it doesn’t violate anything.” said Ken. “You could reframe my theory within physics as it stands, and then I’d only be augmenting physics. But my own scientific model has far greater explanatory power than present physics.”
He gradually reduced the power of the device and all the objects that had flown upwards and stuck to the ceiling gradually came down again.
Derek took the box of mints and turned it over in his hands.
“Absolutely astonishing.” he said.
Derek and Archie exchanged delighted glances.
“Now, if you’ll give me a moment, I’d like to fetch something I prepared earlier.” said Ken.
“Our views are going to go through the roof.” said Derek, when Ken had left the room. “We’re going to be rich, mate.”
“Never mind the views.” said Archie. “We’ve uncovered something of enormous benefit to the human race.”
“And we’ll be rich.”
Ken returned bearing a tray containing three shot glasses.
“Seventy years ago, my family fled the Stalinist terror in Russia.” he said, solemnly. “It is a custom of my people to toast all success with this traditional liquor. It would mean a great deal to me if you would join me in a toast.”
“I’ve got to drive.” said Derek, and he was about to elaborate further when Archie smacked his arm pleasantly with the back of his hand.
“It’ll be mostly out of your bloodstream by then and anyway it won’t put you above the legal limit.” he said.
“Fair points.” said Derek, and they each took a shot glass.
Ken put the tray down and raised the third glass.
“To success, and the memory of my ancestors and the terrible persecution they endured.” he said.
They echoed the toast and clinked glasses, downing the liquid the glasses contained.
“Awfully strong.” said Archie, smiling.
“And now, gentlemen, I have a further astonishing machine to show you,” said Ken, “but first I would like us to watch a brief presentation.”
Stepping over to the wall, he dimmed the lights. Then he pressed some buttons on a remote control and an image of a woman appeared on a large screen on the wall. The camera panned around to show Ken holding two shot glasses, one of which he passed to the woman, telling her the glasses contained a traditional drink of his ancestors, which this time, he claimed to have lived in Bulgaria.
The video then sped up, Ken and the woman sitting together and talking in high-pitched fast-forwarded squeaks.
“We’re going forwards half an hour.” said Ken. “This is just some inconsequential chatter.”
Then the video slowed again, and the woman was complaining about feeling sick.
“I have something that’ll help.” Ken told her, and he fetched another shot glass containing a small quantity of some liquid.
The woman expressed doubt about this alleged medicine, but Ken convinced her to drink it, and she did so. The video briefly fast-forwarded again, and stopped with the woman saying she felt much better.
“You see, she’s perfectly all right now, for the moment.” said Ken. “We’ll go forwards another half hour.”
The video fast-forwarded again, and now the woman was again complaining of nausea. The video went into triple speed, and they watched in horror as the woman began to vomit, attempting to rise to her feet but unable to balance, and then blood began to trickle from her nose, ears and eyes.
“What the hell is this?” said Derek angrily.
“Please, continue to watch.” said Ken.
Soon the woman began to have terrible convulsions, following which she lay still.
“Is she dead?” said Archie, aghast.
“Yes, quite dead,” said Ken, “and I think you can see she suffered greatly in the process of dying.”
“You poisoned her.” said Derek, in a tone halfway between a question and an accusation.
“Yes.” said Ken. “You see, there is an antidote, but it must be given every half hour for two days, otherwise the victim dies in terrible pain.”
“You’ve poisoned us!” said Archie, his eyes widening.
Ken smiled warmly.
“Yes, I’m afraid so.” he said. “Don’t worry. I’ll fetch your first dose of antidote. Perhaps you’d like to walk this way and I’lll show you how it’s prepared.”
“You had absolutely no right, you freak!” said Archie.
“Who was that woman?” said Derek.
“I met her via a dating site.” said Ken. “I find dating sites a wonderful source of experimental material.”
Derek spun Ken around and grabbed him by the collar.
“Why’ve you done this?” he said.
“I’ll explain, but I think first you need the antidote.”
“He’s right, Derek.” said Archie. “I’m starting to feel sick.”
Derek made a frustrated, perplexed sound and let Ken go.
“Thank you.” said Ken.
He walked over to a machine, somewhat like a coffee machine but surrounded by bottles and tubes. He dialled a code into a panel at the front and the machine dispensed a colourless liquid into two shot glasses, which Ken took and offered to the two men.
They took the glasses, confused, unable to decide what to do.
“You’d best drink it soon.” said Ken pleasantly.
Archie suddenly retched, and then quickly drank the liquid. Derek follow suit.
“The machine synthesises the antidote via a rather complex process.” said Ken. “When I enter the code, it dispenses the last batch and commences the synthesis of a new batch. The code changes every time, following sequences I happen to have memorised. The point is, you may want to kill me, but if you do, you’ll die horribly in about half an hour. If you call the police, similarly, I’ll refuse to run the machine and you’ll die horribly. If I even suspect you have in any way even said anything negative about me whatsoever to the outside world, you will die.”
“You’d better start explaining.” said Derek.
Ken still wore the same expression and expressed himself in the the same manner that he’d employed previously; he seemed pleasant, even warm, with no trace of ill-will. Derek and Archie struggled to understand the contradiction between his manner on the one hand, and his words and actions on the other, both wondering whether some kind of bad joke was being played on them.
“This machine over here.” said Ken, striding over to the other side of the room. “You may have noticed it. It’s rather important.”
He indicated a large cylindrical device lying in a frame on the floor, next to the wall.
“What is it?” Archie croaked, his throat dry with anxiety.
“It’s a weapon.” said Ken. “The Earth needs a reset. This device will reverse the Earth’s gravity for almost half a second. The chaos will be immeasurable. Human society will be forced to start again.”
“Why would you do this?” said Derek.
“Because.” said Ken. “Because, I’ll tell you how society has treated me. I was made to attend school from the age of five and I was viciously bullied, and my time wasted by idiots. Then I attended a university full of morons who only wanted to drink and fornicate with each other. Then my time was further wasted by professors and employers with zero vision. The entire global society of Earth has become viciously degenerate and maladaptive. It refuses to listen to geniuses of my stature. Instead, men like me are simply exploited in the service of capitalism and greed. Meanwhile our toxic fumes and our lust for natural resources are destroying the whole planet. It is time to start again. A Great Reset, if you like.”
They gawped at him open-mouthed in astonishment. Ken made this pronouncement in his usual amiable tone of voice, as if patiently explaining some problem in algebra to a class of students.
“You’re off your bloody rocker.” said Archie.
Ken smiled.
“Perhaps.” he said. “Regardless, there’s nothing you can do about it.”
“What do you need us for then?” said Derek. “Seems like you’ve got it all worked out.”
“It’s only fair that I explain the need for a reset to the public. Your job is to film the process and upload it to your website. I will say a few words, naturally, and there will be a period of ten or twenty minutes in which a lucky few can find out about their fate beforehand, and perhaps even take steps to protect themselves from the worst of it, before I drop the device.
“Naturally only the clever will survive. It’s not easy to cope with a gravity reversal. One needs cunning. I’m creating a kind of selection event. The world will be inherited only by the finest minds.”
“Drop the device?” said Archie faintly.
Ken walked over to a door at the side of the room and opened it. Through the window of the room on the other side of the door, they could see that the previous view of moorland had now been replaced by nothing but sky.
“We’re already at two hundred feet.” said Ken. “In half an hour the trapdoor beneath the device will open, releasing it, and shortly afterwards it will produce a field that will entirely reverse the Earth’s gravity. Temporarily, of course.
Now, you’re probably thinking about your loved ones. Wives, children and so forth. I will allow you to make one brief phone call each, informing them only of the impending gravity reversal, and nothing else. If you’re smart, you, or they, will figure out how to protect themselves. If not … well ….”
He pulled a face as if to say, that’s the end of them, then.
“It’s actually a pretty good deal for you two.” he added. “You will have a chance to rule like kings in the new society we will create after the reset. I’m a huge fan of your YouTube channel. That’s why I chose you, and hopefully some of your viewers, to survive the mass extinction.”
Derek and Archie looked at each other.
“This is the worst one yet.” said Archie.
“I’ve had enough of this rubbish.” said Derek. “Help me move that contraption away from the trapdoor it’s sitting on.
They began to drag the cylindrical device further into the room, away from the trap door by the wall.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” said Ken. “Non-compliance means you won’t get the antidote. I’ll simply wait for you to die and continue with my plans where I left off.”
“He’s got a point.” said Archie.
“Don’t worry, I’ve got it covered.” said Derek.
“Have you?” said Archie.
“Trust me.” said Derek.
After moving the cylinder in spite of Ken’s continued protestations, Derek made a bee-line for him and grabbed him by the collar for the second time that day.
“This is really simple.” he said. “You’re going to give us the codes you’ve memorised for your machine, or I’m going to break your bones one by one.”
“Why on Earth would you think I’d give you the right codes?” said Ken. “Use your brain, man. Torture is never effective.”
“Because if you don’t, as soon as I start feeling sick I’m going to kill you.”
“No you aren’t. You won’t have time, once the sickness begins. I might well give you one right code, and one wrong code. Then you’ll think your silly plan has succeeded, but actually you’ll die. I can assure you, I’ve run through all possibilities very carefully from a game theoretical perspective, and there’s simply no way you can win, so I advise you to cooperate and perhaps you can at least save yourselves and the lives of those you love.”
“He’s right, Derek.” said Archie. “Breaking his bones isn’t the answer. I’ve got a better idea.”
Derek’s head turned slowly to face him.
Archie nodded at the trapdoor.
“That’s the place for him. I daresay we’ll learn quite a bit once he’s properly motivated.”
“You haven’t thought this through!” Ken protested, as Derek began to tie him up with electrical cables and whatever he could find around the room. “The device will still activate even if it’s not dropped. It will destabilise the flying mechanism of the house and we’ll probably all die.”
“We’ll work on that in a minute.” said Derek. “This is simply to provide you with an incentive for telling us the codes. And if you give us the wrong codes, you’ll suffer, I can promise you. We’re going to keep you tied up till your poison wears off.”
After binding Ken’s wrists and ankles together, he wound tape around his hands and tied him to the mechanism that held the trapdoor, with wires thin enough to snap if the door should open.
By the time he’d finished, Archie had already removed several important-looking pieces from the cylindrical device.
“I hope it’s not radioactive or anything.” he said, holding a chunk of mechanism containing some electronics and several small pistons in his hand.
“Nah.” said Derek. “Here, I’ll give you a hand.”
He began aggressively wrenching parts of the device away and smashing it with his foot, which was clad in a sturdy walking boot.
After they’d disassembled the machine they went back to the restrained scientist on the trapdoor, Archie taking a pen and a pad of paper he’d found on a workbench.
“Now,” said Archie, “we must be due for another code in about fifteen minutes so you’d better get on with it. According to what you said this door also opens in about fifteen minutes, so I’d hurry if I were you. You’ve got time to give us all the codes before it opens. Then we’ll untie you.”
“I won’t tell you.” said Ken.
“Then you’ll die.” said Archie.
“No, I don’t think I will.” said Ken. “It’s you who will die. There’s still time to change your mind. I can reassemble the device. No real harm has been done. If you untie me I’ll give you the next code. I still want you to document my work.”
“Your proposal is entirely unacceptable to us.” said Archie.
“What do you mean, you don’t think you’ll die?” said Derek. “When that thing opens you’re history.” He turned to Archie. “What does he mean?”
Somewhere behind them there was a clanking sound, as if a metal door had been thrown open.
Ken began to laugh quietly.
“What are you laughing about?” said Derek.
“I’ve foreseen every possible move you can make.” said Ken. “Behind that door”—he nodded towards the far side of the lab—“is a team of elite fighters, heavily armed. They’ll kill you.” The expression on his face changed and he added, “But I’m still willing to honour the deal I offered you. You can live, and your families. I’ll even throw in a sweetener. Tell your families they need to get outside and tie themselves to a sturdy fence, away from any buildings. That’s the only way they’ll live when gravity reverses. And I’ll let you make three phone calls each.”
“You don’t seem to understand, Ken.” said Archie. “Under no circumstances are we prepared to tolerate your apocalypse.”
“Then you’ll die.” said Ken.
The door at the far end of the lab opened, and a figure appeared clad entirely in black, wearing a black balaclava and wielding an axe. The figure ran towards them screaming.
They scattered, Derek grabbing a chair and Archie picking up a bottle of liquid to throw at the figure.
The figure paused and began to edge towards Ken, wielding the axe threateningly.
“Hang on,” said Archie, eyeing the figure’s short stature, “are you”—he turned to Ken—“is it a woman?”
“Yoshi is an elite Japanese ninja.” said Ken. “He trained in the top schools. You stand no chance against him.”
The figure began to fiddle with the wires restraining Ken.
“Oh no, you don’t.” said Derek, and he ran at the figure waving the legs of the chair.
The figure retreated in panic, then ran back at Derek, waving the axe. They began to dance around each other, the figure trying to strike Derek and untie Ken, while Derek tried to hit the figure with the chair and stop it from getting to Ken.
Archie looked around helplessly.
“Throw that bottle at him!” Derek shouted. “Or her.”
Archie took careful aim and threw the bottle with an unpractised arm. The bottle flew past the figure’s head and smashed against the wall, where an oscilloscope started smoking ominously as the liquid contents of the bottle seeped into it.
“You throw like a girl!” shouted Derek.
The figure emitted a distinctly feminine shriek of anger and ran at Derek again, but Derek managed to jump out of the way, hitting the axe with the chair legs in the process, but not succeeding in knocking the axe out of the figure’s hands.
“Please!” shouted Ken. “There’s no need for this. Yoshi, untie me! They’ll die soon anyway!”
The figure tried to go back towards Ken but Derek circled around and ran at it with the chair again.
“Find another bottle or something!” shouted Derek. “Throw one of those scopes at her!”
“Give up, or I’ll release the other ninjas!” shouted Ken.
“I feel sick.” said Archie, clutching his stomach.
Nevertheless he ran around the room looking for something to throw at the masked figure.
He located a soldering base station and lifted it above his head, running towards the figure.
The oscilloscope that the bottle had hit burst into flames.
The figure swung the axe viciously at Derek, desperate to get to Ken, but Derek responded with equal vigour, batting the axe away with his chair and even managing to land a glancing blow on the figure’s head.
The flames from the oscilloscope began to spread, consuming the wooden cabinets above the workbench and following the trail of the liquid that had burst out of the broken bottle.
Suddenly Derek vomited and staggered backwards. The figure ran at him but stopped as the soldering station hurled by Archie hit it squarely on the head.
The trapdoor abruptly opened and Ken vanished, screaming.
Archie ran to the hole in the floor and peered out, raising his hands to shield his head from the heat of the nearby flames.
“No way he could survive that.” he said, then he began vomiting into the hole.
The masked figure began shrieking and crying, holding its wounded head, and abruptly it wrenched off its mask and screamed “You killed my husband!”
Then it ran at Archie, but he deftly stepped to the side, tripping the woman. She fell to the floor and slid, the axe falling out of her hands.
Archie picked it up, retching and heaving.
Derek straightened up unsteadily.
“It’s the woman from the video.” he said. “She’s alive.”
“I think we should get out of here.” said Archie, eyeing the spreading flames.
“How do we get this thing down?” Derek shouted at the woman.
“You’re going to die!” she shouted. “We’ll all die together!”
“Look!” said Archie, and he pointed out of the still-open door at the side of the lab.
The house was gliding towards some low hills.
“Let’s go.” said Derek, and he tried to help the woman to her feet, but she produced a knife from a sheath at her side, still on the floor on her back, and slashed at him with it, narrowly missing him.
“OK, you stay here.” said Derek, and he and Archie ran past the flames and out to the balcony at the side of the house, Archie carrying the axe.
They leaned over and watched the ground below slowly approaching.
Archie dropped the axe, which landed softly in the heather lining the hillside.
“I think we can make it.” said Derek.
At that moment the woman ran through the flames, which had now engulfed the open door, bearing aloft the knife.
“Jump!” shouted Derek, and they flung themselves over the side of the balcony.
They landed with a hard thump in the heather, and the house floated silently over them.
They stood up when it had passed, watching it retreat away from the top of the hill.
“She should really have jumped.” said Archie.
“Yeah.” said Derek. “I don’t think she’s going to, though.”
A spectacular tongue of flame shot out of one of the windows, shattering it.
“Where do you think it’s going to land?” said Archie.
Derek was formulating a reply when there was an ear-piercing bang, and the house was abruptly replaced by a thin column of debris stretching into the sky.
“I think something went wrong with the antigravity mechanism.” said Derek.
Archie retched, which caused Derek to also begin retching.
“It’s OK,” said Archie, between convulsive heaves, “I’m pretty sure it was just an emetic.”
“Well,” said Derek, vomiting half-digested coffee onto the hillside, “I’m already feeling slightly better so you’re probably right.”
“Anyway, she’s still alive.” said Archie.
“Well, not now, she isn’t.” said Derek.
“No, but I mean, she was.” said Archie. “Pretty good actor.”
As they walked down the hill towards their car, Derek said, “Maybe we can reconstruct his work. He told us quite a lot.”
“Maybe.” said Archie. “Work of a lifetime though.”
“Yeah.” said Derek.
The hillside was silent except for the sound of the wind and occasional bird calls. The heather was in bloom, the hillside covered in glorious purple and white flowers. They walked on silently for a while, enjoying the view and the soothing sounds of nature.
“What’s next then?” said Archie eventually.
“Some guy who thinks he can send small objects five seconds into the past.”
“Splendid.” said Archie. “Let’s tackle that tomorrow.”
“We can stop for some chips on the way back.” said Derek.
“Now that you mention it, I’ve quite an appetite.” said Archie.
“Hey, do you think we should report this to the police?”
“Probably best not, to be honest.”
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