The Replacements
He became convinced that aliens had replaced his parents.
“Let me go! Get off me! I’m not crazy!”
The boy’s shouts attracted the attention of the neighbours, who pulled aside their net curtains to see what was happening outside. David’s parents watched blankly as two men injected David with a sedative and then hauled him into the waiting ambulance.
For two days they kept him heavily sedated at the hospital, but on the third day it seemed to David that either they gave him a lower dose of tranquillisers or else he was starting to get used to them. At last they brought him into the office of Dr. Pradhan, who sat on a plastic chair facing him.
“David Wescott.” she said, with a smile.
“I’m not mad.” said David.
“We don’t like to use terms like ‘mad’ and ‘crazy’, David. We believe you may be suffering from a mental illness. That’s what we need to explore.”
“When can I get out of here?”
“Perhaps very soon if you respond well to treatment. I’d like to ask you some questions, is that OK?”
David nodded sullenly.
“You are eighteen years old, yes?”
“Yeah.” said David.
“I understand you are hoping to start a course at university in October?”
“Yeah, I want to study history. But I don’t see how I can do that now.”
“Why do you say that?”
An earnest and pained expression appeared on David’s tired face.
“I know it sounds crazy. I know you think I’m a nutcase, but my parents have been replaced by aliens. I don’t know what they’ve done with my real parents. No-one’s going to believe me; I know that. They’ve copied my parent’s appearance but they’re not my parents.”
“I see.” said Dr. Pradhan, nodding understandingly. “Tell me why you think that, David.”
“I only figured it out slowly. The replacement happened a month ago. I realised the people—creatures—who are pretending to be my parents don’t know half the stuff my parents knew. At first I thought something had happened to their brains. Like, maybe they were part of some secret government mind control experiment or something. Then one evening I heard them talking in alien language. I think it was about three days after that that I saw the female alien, the one pretending to be my mum, kill a spider just using her mind. She looked at it and it just burned up. She didn’t realise I was watching.”
“So you first noticed something strange about your parents a month ago?”
“That’s right.”
“And what was the first thing you noticed that made you feel they might be aliens?”
“That was the coffee. My parents love coffee. I got up one morning and went to have breakfast. We always ate together. They always made coffee in the morning. But they said they had decided to stop drinking coffee because it’s very bad for the brain, and they’d thrown all the coffee out.”
“This made you think they were aliens?”
“No, not at first. Of course not. I just thought they’d seen some documentary about coffee being bad or something. I mean, they were kind of wooden, but I thought maybe that was because they’d stopped having coffee. You know, withdrawal symptoms. But after that they got weirder and weirder, and they didn’t remember things. Like, basic things my parents knew or did. I tried to test them and I could tell they didn’t remember stuff that my parents would have known. It wasn’t till I heard them making alien noises that I really began to understand.”
Dr. Pradhan nodded.
“You don’t believe me.” said David. “Of course you don’t. I’m not stupid. I know you’ll never believe me.”
“It’s not that I don’t believe you.” said Dr. Pradhan. “I’d like us, together, to consider some alternative explanations. Sometimes the brain can play tricks on us. It’s important not to jump to conclusions.”
“I suppose.” said David, staring down at his feet.
“Let’s categorise these unusual experiences. You had a sense that your parents were different to usual. So we could say that’s psychological. It’s more a feeling than anything else.”
“Yeah but I heard them speaking in Alien. They were making, like, trilling noises. No way a human could have made those noises.”
“So that’s auditory. Affecting the ears.”
“I saw the woman alien kill a spider just by looking at it.”
“That’s very interesting.” said Dr. Pradhan, scribbling notes on a clipboard. “You see, that could be a matter of interpretation. Think about what you actually saw, David. Leave the interpretation aside. What did you actually see?”
“She stood looking at a spider and then she got this, like, intense look on her face, and she put her face close to the spider. Then smoke starting coming out of it and it dropped off the wall. Then …” David trailed off, his face registering his pain and distress.
“Then what, David?” said Dr. Pradhan softly.
“Then she picked it up and ate it.”
David talked to Dr. Pradhan for half an hour. He had a strong sense that indeed she didn’t believe him at all, and ultimately wanted only to figure out what type of mental illness he was suffering.
“I’d like you to talk to Dr. Sable.” said Dr. Pradhan at the end of their discussion.
“When are you going to let me out of here?”
“Let’s see what Dr. Sable says. He’ll be here tomorrow. I’ll arrange for you to meet him.”
Could he indeed be suffering from a mental disorder? For weeks he had lived with the fake alien copy of his parents. If everything he had seen and heard was only a product of mental disorder, then how could he trust anything he saw or heard? How could he know that Dr. Pradhan was even real?
He stood in the communal area of the psychiatric ward, lost in thought.
“The waves, the waves!” said a voice. He turned to see a man in a hospital gown. The man was somewhat obese and strongly-built, partly bald, and he had heavy dark circles underneath his eyes.
“What?” said David.
“They use waves in the air to interfere with our brains.” he said. “Stop us thinking. Listen! Do you hear it?”
“Hear what?” said David.
A knowing expression crept over the man’s face.
“Oh, that’s right.” he said. “You’re a plant. A bloody plant! I see you! I see you, plant!”
David’s heart began to beat faster. The man didn’t look entirely stable.
Suddenly a second man stepped between them.
“OK Horace, leave the plants alone. Off you go!” he said, and Horace stumped away, raving about plants and waves.
“Some of the people in here aren’t exactly in tune with the current consensus reality.” said the second man. “I’m Erasmus. You’ll have to forgive the name; my parents were fans of the Northern Renaissance and I haven’t yet felt empowered to do anything about it.”
Erasmus had curly brown hair and a curly beard, and wore thick small round wire-framed spectacles. He was dressed fashionably, or at least would have been, had the era been circa 1975.
“I’m David.” said David, regarding the man warily. “So why are you here?”
“Some of my ideas turned out to be too much for the authorities that be to digest.” he said. “Apparently I doled out a little too much truth for their taste. You see, even a madman can be a fool. I hear you have a rather exotic theory concerning your parents.”
“Yeah, they’ve been replaced by aliens.” said David. “Or if they’re not aliens then they’re robots or something.”
“Hey, it happens.” said Erasmus.
“You believe me?”
“Why not, it sounds no less absurd than ninety percent of the things we’re all told by the great and the good on a daily basis. As it happens I have developed a certain degree of expertise in this particular area.”
“You know about aliens?”
“I know they’re here, and they’re investigating us. As to precisely what motivates their interest, that’s hard to say. They may simply want to collect data, or their interest may be motivated by aims that may ultimately conflict with the desire of the human race to continue in organic form.”
“What do you think they’ve done with my real parents?”
Erasmus shook his head sadly.
“That’s something I’m afraid you’re never going to know, and may be better off not knowing.”
“Where do they come from?”
“Zeta Reticuli, the Jungian subconscious, a parallel interdimensional self-mutating Riemannian hyperspatial manifold, who knows.”
“Well, what can I do?” said David, on the verge of tears.
“For the moment, play everyone’s game. You’re going to need a certain degree of patience.”
In the evening, David’s parents arrived for a visit. They sat together in David’s room, a nurse remaining present by David’s request. Dr. Pradhan had asked the nurse to report back on David’s interactions with his parents.
“We’ve been so worried about you.” said David’s father.
“Yeah, sure.” said David.
“We just want you to come home so we can take care of you properly.” said David’s mother.
“Take care of me like you took care of my parents?” said David.
“We are your parents, David.” said his father.
“We’re very concerned about you.” said his mother.
“What have you done with my parents?” said David.
“You’re suffering from a mental illness, David.” said his father. “They tell us you’ll likely recover soon, with proper treatment.”
“Have you killed them? Where are they?”
David was shouting, almost screaming.
“I think it’s best we end the visit for today.” said the nurse gently.
“They’ve kidnapped my parents!” David cried as they left. “They’re not my parents!”
The following day, they took David to an office, where Dr. Sable sat, reading patient notes.
Dr. Sable sported an impressive beard, streaked with grey, and wore square spectacles that looked as though he had chosen the cheapest frames available.
“Hello, David.” he said, extending his hand.
David shook his hand and they sat down on chairs in front of Dr. Sable’s desk.
“How are you feeling?” said Dr. Sable.
“I feel tired, because you’ve got me on a load of pointless drugs.” said David.
“We may be able to lower the dose. David, there’s someone I’d like you to speak to, via telephone. Would that be OK?”
“Sure.” said David suspiciously.
Dr. Sable picked up the phone from his desk and dialled a number. When someone picked up at the other end of the line, he said to them, “Ready?”
To David he said, “I have your mother on the line.” and handed him the phone.
“Mum?” said David.
“David!” said David’s mother. “Is it you?”
“Mum, where are you?” said David, almost crying. “They’re keeping me in a mental hospital.”
“I’m so sorry, David.” said his mother.
Suddenly the expression on David’s face darkened, and he said, “Mum, do you remember how we talked about getting a dog last year? A poodle?”
“Yes, David, when you get out perhaps we can get you a poodle like we discussed.”
He pushed the telephone receiver back into Dr. Sable’s hands.
“It’s not her.” he said. “We never talked about getting a dog and we don’t like poodles.”
Dr. Sable spoke some words into the phone and replaced the receiver in its cradle.
“It is possible you’ve misremembered that?”
“No. We’ve always hated poodles.”
Dr. Sable sighed.
“David, have you heard of Capgras Syndrome?”
David sat still, staring into space, tears in his eyes.
“David?”
“What? No.”
“It’s a psychological condition where a person becomes convinced that one or more people in their lives have been replaced by replicas. We don’t know what causes it. Some people think it’s caused by a disconnect between the temporal cortex in the brain, and the limbic system.”
Dr. Sable leaned in closer to him.
“The subject is able to visually recognise his friends or relatives, but the limbic system produces no corresponding emotional response, leading to a sense of disconnection. In an attempt to make sense of this, the subject hypothesises that people they know have been replaced by replicas.
“Sometimes, when the subject talks to a person on the phone, he is able to recognise the person for who they really are. It’s only the disconnect between visual information and emotional processing that causes the sense of unfamiliarity. I saw that, at first, when you heard your mother’s voice, you understood that it was really your mother.”
“That thing is not my mother.” said David.
“You say you heard your parents speaking in an alien language and you saw your mother kill and eat a spider?”
“It’s not my mother.” said David, rocking backwards and forwards in his chair.
“You see, Capgras syndrome is often found in connection with other problems, such as schizophrenia. Schizophrenia typically causes only auditory hallucinations, but visual hallucinations are also possible.”
“How many different ways do you people have to say I’m a basket case?” said David. “I’m telling you, they’re not my parents. Why don’t you examine them instead of me? You’re making up your theories after ruling out half of the evidence.”
“Capgras syndrome is often related to subtle damage to the brain. We’d like to give you an MRI. Work with us, David. Help us to rule out a few possibilities.”
“Give me an MRI, I don’t care.” said David.
Back in the communal area, he found Erasmus reading a book. He sat down next to him.
“I wish I was dead.” he said.
“Pretty soon, you will be.” said Erasmus. “Just give it another sixty or seventy years. A mere blink of an eye in geological terms.”
He laughed; a crazy-sounding high-pitched laugh.
“They’re going to give me an MRI. I don’t know what to do. I can’t spend the rest of my life in here.”
“Well I would say your prospective course of action is pretty clear.”
“What do you mean?”
“Pretend to gradually see through your alleged delusions. Maybe tomorrow you admit that you may have a problem. A couple of days later, you say you’re confused and you think perhaps the aliens from Zeta Reticuli are your parents after all. And so on and so forth. Convince them you’re all better and then you can work on the separate problem of aliens having kidnapped and replaced your parents when you’re out of here.”
“I suppose. Everything just seems so dark.”
“Stare into the abyss and the abyss also stares into you.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean if there’s a gaping chasm next to you it’s best to not look too closely at it or you’ll fall in. And who doesn’t have a gaping chasm next to him these days?”
Erasmus laughed again.
Several days passed, and then they took David to another wing of the hospital where they had him lie in an MRI machine. The machine banged noisily while they played him piped music.
The day after, they summoned him back to Dr. Pradhan’s office.
“How are you feeling?” she asked with a smile.
“I don’t know.” he said. “I’m starting to think maybe I’ve got confused. I mean, aliens don’t exist, do they?”
Dr. Pradhan smiled again.
“Very good, David.” she said. “Dr. Sable and myself feel the treatment is showing positive results. Also I have some good news for you. The MRI scan does not indicate any damage to your brain. It is still possible that there is subtle damage that the MRI can’t detect, but we can’t see any sign of abnormality on the scan. We believe your problems are purely psychological.”
“So what now?”
“We’d like to maintain you on your current dose of medication for a while. How would you feel about us arranging another meeting with your parents?”
“OK, I suppose.” he said.
“Very good.”
Another week passed by, then David found himself sitting with his parents again, and Dr. Pradhan.
“David’s made a lot of progress in the past week.” she said. “He understands now that he’s been suffering from some psychological difficulties. Isn’t that right, David?”
David looked at the monstrosities that were pretending to be his parents. Their movements were rather stiff and quite unlike those of his actual parents, and their speech curiously wooden. It was as if the aliens had studied his parents extensively but could not fully enter into the roles they had assigned to themselves.
“Yes.” said David. “The medication has helped me a lot.”
“That’s wonderful, David.” said the alien pretending to be his mother. “So you’re feeling better now?”
“Yes, a lot better.” said David.
“We’d really like to take you out of here, son.” said the alien pretending to be his father.
“I’d like that.” said David. “Dr. Pradhan, do you think I’ll be ready to go home soon?”
“I think so, David.” said Dr. Pradhan, smiling. “Perhaps even this week.”
“We’re so relieved.” said the alien father, woodenly.
Later that week, David was signed out of the psychiatric ward into his parent’s care.
“We’re so happy you don’t think we are aliens anymore.” said his mother as they drove him home.
“It’s important you keep taking the medication.” said his father. “We wouldn’t want you to relapse.”
Once home, David lay on his bed in his room, thinking.
What was he supposed to do now? He was eighteen years of age and in theory could move out, but there seemed to be a distinct risk that Dr. Pradhan would section him if he tried that.
He had nowhere to go in any case. Perhaps he could get a job and find a room to rent somewhere. Or perhaps going to university would be the fastest and most practical way to get out of there.
During the night he heard the alien trilling sounds again. They sounded quite animated, almost as though they were arguing in the alien language.
The next morning he forced himself to go downstairs and eat breakfast with the alien monstrosities.
The aliens seemed to be eating nothing but canned ham for breakfast.
“We’ve decided to follow the keto diet.” said his father. “We’re only eating protein now.”
“But you’re not even overweight.” said David.
“The keto diet has many benefits.” said his mother.
“Don’t you have any bread?” David asked. “I can’t eat ham for breakfast.”
His mother was holding an entire lump of canned ham, gnawing on it. He shuddered.
“We’ve got eggs if you want.” said his father.
“I’ll make myself some eggs.” said David.
They watched him curiously while he made scrambled eggs.
“Aren’t you going to work?” he said to his father.
“No, I’ve negotiated some leave so I can spend more time with you.” he said. “Family is more important than work.”
David sat down and began to eat. The alien mother watched him with a smile fixed on her face that didn’t reach her eyes and looked deranged.
The father nodded quietly to himself as though he approved of the proceedings.
“What are you going to do today, David?” said his mother. “Your father and I were thinking we could go to the space exhibition in town.”
“Perhaps that will help you better understand how silly your delusions were.” said his father. “You will see that other inhabitable planets are too far away for aliens to reach Thatokos.”
“To reach what?” said David.
“I mean, Planet Earth.” said his father.
“I think I’m going to go for a walk.” said David. “I need a walk to help clear my head. That’ll be best for my mental health.”
“I really think we should do something together as a family.” said his mother.
“I really think I need time alone.” said David. “You know, as part of the curative process.”
“We disagree, David.” said his mother, pushing the last chunk of canned ham into her mouth.
“I’m going for a walk.” said David.
“No, you’re not.” said his father. “We are going to the space exhibition.”
“Look, can we just cut the nonsense.” said David abruptly. “I know you’ve killed my parents. I know you’re aliens. I’ve come to terms with it. Just don’t make me pretend anymore. I can’t stand it.”
His mother and father looked at each other ominously, then back at David.
“He’s having a relapse.” said his father. “Call the hospital.”
“I’m not mad.” said David. “You know I’m not. I’ll play along and pretend you’re my parents. Don’t call the hospital.”
“David, you’re suffering dangerous delusions.” said his father. “The doctors will know best what to do.”
His mother already had the phone in her hand and she was dialling the number of the hospital.
“I have recordings of you speaking in your real voices.” said David. “I’ve uploaded them to the internet. They’re scheduled to go live. If you put me in hospital, everyone will hear what you really sound like.”
David’s mother froze.
“Sorry, wrong number.” she said, and she put the phone down.
“That’s a very bad idea.” said his father. “If you were to do that, we would be forced to take measures.”
“Sure, you can kill me, but it’ll be too late. It’s go live automatically.”
“We could make you give us your computer password.” said his mother.
“I’ll move the schedule forward every day.” said David, sensing his desperate ploy had proven more successful than he had expected. “As long as I’m alive and out of hospital, there’s no need for anyone to ever hear the recording.”
“No-one would believe you anyway.” said his father. “We’re not aliens. You must have recorded some crickets or something.”
“Yeah, or maybe the video I made last night when you were arguing will go viral.”
“What is it you want?” said his mother.
“I want you to be honest.” said David. “And I want to know what you’ve done with my parents.”
His father made a noise halfway between a sigh and the call of an exotic swamp bird.
“Very well.” he said. “We have taken your parent’s bodies. The process is irreversible. You won’t see them again. Sorry.”
David smiled, although tears appeared in his eyes.
“I thought so.” he said. “I knew it. Why are you here? Why did you do it?”
His mother sat down and they regarded him steadily with identical blank expressions.
“We came to study the human species.” she said. “Specifically, human-offspring interactions.”
“But why?”
“Our leaders place a high value on knowledge.” said his father. “You must understand, David, we didn’t want to come here and take your parent’s bodies. We were sent here. There is none of what you humans call freedom on our planet. The entire planet is ruled by an authoritarian dictatorship. If we had not complied, we would have been killed.”
“We’re just doing a job.” said his mother. “A job we were given no choice about doing.”
“When will you go back home?” David asked.
“In a few months.” said his father.
“What will happen to my parent’s bodies?”
“We will arrange for them to die in a car accident. Without us keeping them alive, they would simply be useless husks now.”
“We’re so sorry, David.” said his mother. “We know this must be difficult for you. We can’t bring your parents back but at least when we are gone you will be able to carry on with your life. You will inherit this house, of course, according to human law.”
“I don’t want the house, I want my parents.” said David.
“What do you intend to do now?” asked his father. “Will you allow us to complete our work?”
“Seems I don’t have much choice.” said David. “OK, you can finish what you’re doing as long as you don’t make me pretend anymore. And I’m going to university in October so you’d better finish up by then. I’ll need to arrange funerals and stuff.”
“We can do that.” said his mother.
“I’m glad we’ve been able to come to an arrangement.” said his father. “We don’t like this situation anymore than you do.”
“No-one’s killed your parents, though, have they?” said David.
“That’s true.” said his father.
“I’m going out today. I’ll be back in the evening. We can talk then, if you need more information for your research.”
“Very well, David.” said his mother. “I think we can agree to that.”
After showering, David walked into the town. He almost broke down in tears whenever he thought of his parents, whose bodies the aliens had taken, but he worked hard to push those thoughts to the back of his mind. Musn’t look into the abyss, he thought. He would have to exercise superhuman self-control for a few months; then he could grieve.
As he walked through the town he wondered who else might be an alien. The aliens who had replaced his parents had slightly wooden movements and odd facial expressions, but no odder or more wooden than many people who weren’t aliens. There was no real way to distinguish any alien who might be on the street from a normal human being.
There was, of course, the obvious possibility of killing the creatures who had invaded his parent’s bodies. The creatures slept for at least five hours a night, and they were as vulnerable while sleeping as any human. But then the authorities would consider him to have murdered his parents, and he would spend the rest of his life in prison, and no-one would understand or believe him.
No, the best thing to do was to cooperate and hope that they would indeed return to wherever they had come from by October.
Had the aliens really been honest about their reasons for studying the Earth? Was it possible they were planning a full-scale invasion, and for that reason were studying humans in order to find vulnerabilities? Perhaps they intended to perfect the art of assuming human form, so that they could put more and more of their people gradually into place and destroy human civilisation from within.
It was fortunate that they hadn’t seen through his desperate bluff. Perhaps he could buy hidden cameras and film them for real. Then he might be able to alert people to the alien threat after they had departed.
A week later, after spending a miserable week walking mostly alone around the town and, in the evening, humouring the alien imposters who had killed his parents, he was out in the town when a voice hailed him.
“I’ve been looking for you.”
He turned to see Erasmus, jogging to catch up with him.
“I thought you were still in the psychiatric ward.” said David.
“I figured you could use some assistance so I made a few calls to certain people in certain positions, called in some old favours and had myself released back into society.” he said. “Actually there are a few things I think you ought to know that I previously felt it best not to go into.”
He held up a blue plastic folder stuffed with papers.
“I got them to level with me.” said David. “They admit they’re aliens. They say they were forced into pretending to be my parents. They’re going home in a few months. I told them I’d play along if they agree not to send me back to the hospital.”
“What an interesting development.” said Erasmus. “However, my information may cast a rather disconcerting light on all of that. Let’s get a coffee somewhere.”
They sat down in a quiet corner in a cafe and Erasmus brought out some documents and placed them on the table.
“With the help of my contacts I’ve traced five cases similar to your own.” he said. “Limited information is available about two of them, but I have quite extensive documentation on the other three. In all five cases, the entire family died after three months, and it appears the aliens harvested their spinal fluid although I’ve only been able to establish that for sure in three of the cases.”
David felt himself pale.
“They’re planning to kill me?”
“It certainly looks that way. Probably after harvesting your spinal fluid.”
“What do they want my spinal fluid for?”
“I have no idea but I might conjecture that they are using it somehow or other as part of their effort to perfect the adoption of human form. The good news is, you’ve probably got another two months, if they replaced your parents a month ago.”
“What am I going to do?”
“I would suggest making prompt arrangements to get the hell out of there. Unfortunately it appears they went through some kind of legal shenanigans that gives them control over your medical treatment and finances, even though you’re over eighteen, on the basis that you’re insane, so getting away isn’t going to be a straightforward business.”
“What if I secretly film them and expose them?”
“Whatever you can get on film, they can say you’ve faked, and use it as evidence to get you another couple of months in a psychiatric facility. If you’re going to be trouble it’s probably better for them if you’re in there, till they’re ready for the spinal fluid.”
“Aren’t they studying me? Why don’t they just take my spinal fluid now if that’s what they want?”
“I think they’re studying human society generally.” said Erasmus. “For some unfathomable reason they need the spinal fluid of young people. That’s probably the only reason they’ve taken the form of your parents. It’s at least acceptable for them if you spend the whole time in a mental hospital till they’re ready to kill you. I have two cases here where that’s exactly what happened.”
“Then they’re lying to me.”
“You know what they say, never trust an alien. They probably see us like we see broccoli. Just a crop to be harvested.”
“I don’t know what I’m going to do.” said David. “I should go somewhere far away so the police can’t find me easily, but I’ve lived here all my life. I don’t know people anywhere else who I could stay with.”
“I do have another suggestion, but it carries a small modicum of risk, so to speak.”
“What? I’m open to ideas.”
“You said the first sign anything unusual was afoot was when your parents gave up coffee.”
“That’s right.”
“You see, I have a hypothesis. Maybe the way it works is like this. When they take a person’s body over, they kidnap them and insert pieces of alien brain into the human brains. My hypothesis is that these alien brain cells may be highly sensitive to caffeine. The purpose of caffeine in nature is as an insecticide. It kills any insect that eats the caffeine-bearing plant. It may be that these aliens can’t handle caffeine. Unlike us, they haven’t evolved to tolerate it. There are caffeine-like substances in lots of plants so we’ve got used to it. They haven’t.
“If we were to administer a dose of caffeine to the aliens, let’s say an amount equivalent to three or four espressos, tolerable to the average human primate, it might kill off the alien cells and allow the original cells to regain control.”
“You mean I might get my parents back?”
“It’s a long shot but it’s a possibility.”
“Let’s try it. How are we going to do it?”
“I was hoping you’d say that.” said Erasmus, and he produced a hypodermic syringe from his pocket, sheathed in plastic.
“I’m not injecting them!” said David.
“No, no. You don’t inject them. You inject their food. What do they eat?”
“Nothing but meat now.”
“Perfect. Inject their meat.”
“I could do it tonight.”
“I’d be willing to hang about outside. You can let me in when the experiment has been completed. I’m curious to see the results.”
“OK.” said David. “We’ll do it. Worst that happens is it gives them the jitters. Come by about six. That’s when they usually eat.”
“Be careful with this.” said Erasmus, holding the syringe. “Inject only one millilitre per food item. That’s about three espressos.”
Back at home, David found his parents in the living room, examining insects they’d collected in a jar, making alien trilling sounds and sometimes cooing like doves.
“Your planet has a very rich profusion of insect life.” said his father when he walked in.
“I like the eight-legged creatures.” said his mother, and she popped a spider in her mouth and chewed it. “You could them spiders, I think?”
“Yes, spiders.” said David, shuddering. “I’m going to eat something. See you later.”
They ignored him and continued cooing over the insects.
In the kitchen, he carefully injected the most prominent items in the fridge with caffeine. Next he injected some of the cans in the cupboards, stabbing the needle through their sides. Then he went to his room, and waited.
At five-past-six his curiosity got the better of him and he went down to the kitchen to see if they were eating.
They were indeed eating; his father was chewing on a raw steak, his hands covered with blood, and his mother was eating raw minced beef with a spoon, straight from the packet.
“David.” said his father. “Why don’t you eat with us?”
“No thanks.” said David. “We usually cook meat.”
“It’s much nicer raw.” said his mother. “On our planet we prefer it when it’s still alive. So fresh.”
“OK I’ll leave you to it.” he said, and he went back upstairs.
Ten minutes later there was a dreadful inhuman shriek, and he went to the kitchen to find his father lying on the kitchen floor and his mother in a state of panic.
“Something’s happened to him!” she cried. “His stupid human body has malfunctioned!”
“Let me look at him.” said David.
He tried to see if his father was breathing, but he couldn’t detect any sign of respiration. He checked for a pulse in his neck and couldn’t find one.
“I feel odd!” said his mother, clutching her heart. “The blood pump is going too fast!”
As he watched, she fell to the floor.
There was a knock at the door. He opened it to find Erasmus standing there. He had been watching from outside the window, somewhere in the shadows of the bushes.
He ran past David and began examining the bodies.
“Well, this isn’t an ideal outcome.” he said.
“What do you mean?” said David.
“They’re both dead as a doornails.”
“You idiot!” shouted David. “They weren’t supposed to die!”
“I figured there was an outside chance of this happening. David, I am truly sorry. I don’t think we’re getting your parents back.”
“What are we going to do now?”
“Well I would suggest calling an ambulance and feigning ignorance. Just say you found them like this. Where’s the caffeine syringe?”
David opened the cupboard under the sink, rummaged about at the back and located the syringe, which he thrust into Erasmus’s hands.
“I’ll take this and dispose of the evidence.” he said. “Call me if there are any developments.”
“I don’t have your number!” said David, but Erasmus was already gone.
He pulled at his hair and paced back and forth, then dialled an ambulance.
Two days later the police arrested him on a charge of murder.
In a room at the police station, a gruff curly-haired sergeant informed him that he had the right to have a lawyer present.
David shook his head.
“No need.” he said. “If this is murder, I just want to help you catch whoever did it.”
The policeman reached into a bag and pulled out a can of spam.
“Recognise this?” he asked.
“Maybe.” said David. “I think we had some in the cupboard.”
“Look at this.” said the policeman, and he pointed to a tiny needle hole in the side of the can. “Someone’s injected it with something. We’re waiting on the lab report, but I’d wager that’s what killed your parents. Half the food in the kitchen had needle marks in it.”
“That’s terrible.” said David.
“I think you did it.” said the policeman.
“No.” said David. “Why would I kill my parents?”
“Because you think they’re aliens.”
David thought for a moment.
“That would be a good reason, but I didn’t do it. Search the house. I don’t have any syringes or any poison.”
“We are searching the house, but I know you’re not stupid, David. You got rid of the syringe, didn’t you? Where did you put it?”
“I’ve never had a syringe.”
“Don’t lie to me!” shouted the policeman, slamming the table that stood between them.
“I’m telling the truth!” David protested.
“Here’s what’s going to happen. We’re going to find out what you injected the food with and you’re going to spend the next twenty years in prison or maybe in a secure psychiatric facility. How does that sound? See, I’m the best friend you’ve got at the moment. If you confess everything now, maybe you can get a reduced sentence. Otherwise the judge’ll go hard on you. You can be sure of that. We’ve got means, we’ve got motive, and we’ve got opportunity; we don’t need a confession to convict you, but everything will go much better for you if you just confess.”
At that moment the door opened and two serious-looking men wearing suits appeared. One of them bent down and whispered quietly into the sergeant’s ear.
“I’m releasing you into the custody of these men.” the sergeant said to David.
“Who are they?” David asked.
“Better ask them that.” said the sergeant.
The two men walked him outside and towards a waiting car.
“We’ll explain everything.” said one of the men.
They ushered him into the back seat of the car.
“Here he is, the man himself.” said Erasmus, who was sitting on the other side of the back seat, patiently waiting.
The two men got into the front and began to drive off.
“Where are we going?” said David.
“Somewhere so secret they’d normally have to shoot us if we knew about it.” said Erasmus.
The man in the passenger seat turned around, leaning between the front seats.
“Your parents had alien brains cells in their brains.” he said. “They weren’t fully human. We know you killed them with caffeine. Your friend here explained everything. They had equipment for extracting spinal fluid in your attic. We also found what we believe is an alien communication device.”
“I didn’t know the caffeine was going to kill them.” said David.
“Not a problem.” said the man. “Actually we’re rather pleased. We’d like you to come and work for us. We need to find and kill or capture every last one of them.”
“Here’s to a new and interesting career.” said Erasmus.